Nov
15
2010
When people are in conflict, the most important thing to each individual is to know they have been heard and understood. Then and only then are they ready to move forward.
In conflict mediation, the first thing a mediator does is ensure that each person has an opportunity to share their side of the story and state what they want and / or need. A skilled mediator demonstrates each person has been heard and understood by actively listening, rephrasing what was said, and reflecting the emotion or impact of the situation.
In addition to that individual feeling heard and understood, the others at the table are able to process what the mediator says when they rephrase. This means that people have the opportunity to understand the others involved in the conflict.
After each person is heard and understood, the next step is to create one list of all issues or concerns. Interestingly enough, there is a tendency to list concerns separately by who voices the point. Separate lists mean the people are separate. One list, literally and physically, means it is “our” list and is an important step in bringing people together.
The mediator asks each person for multiple solutions because by generating multiple ideas, whether any is used or not, the person becomes open to possibilities.
In mediation, the people in conflict decide what they want to do and how they want to do it. The mediator listens, asks questions, and maintains focus on the process. When the people involved make the decisions, each person owns the result and follow-through increases exponentially.
Nov
4
2010
Mediation improves the outcome.
A high-conflict group of families, young and low-income, who had filed for a contested custody hearing, were randomly assigned to mediation or adversary settlement and followed for 12 years.
-
- Of those assigned to the adversary system, 75% went before a judge.
- Of those assigned to mediation (lasting an average of five hours) 20% appeared before a judge.
- 28% of nonresident parents who mediated saw their children weekly 12 years later compared to 9% who litigated and 11% in the national averages.
- 52% of nonresident parents who mediated talked with their children weekly 12 years later compared with 14% of nonresident parents who went to court and 18% in the national averages.
Emery, R.E., Laumann-Billings, L., Waldron, M., Sbarra, D.A., and Dillon, P. (2001). Child custody mediation and litigation: Custody, contact, and co-parenting 12 years after initial dispute resolution. Journal of Consulting and Clinical Psychology, 69, 323-332.
How did mere hours of mediation make such a difference? The results of the cases were the same.
- Because the mediation process provides each person the opportunity to be heard and understood, they are prepared to engage in generating solutions.
- Because the people involved are the ones who generate the solutions and choose the plan of action, they own it and follow through.
- Because mediation gives the people involved in conflict a process to work through the conflict, they have the tools to communicate in the future.
How can you let people who could benefit from mediation know about their options?
Nov
1
2010
Before you start reading, please give me permission – I am asking, “Can I make you uncomfortable for minute with this information?” If not, please stop reading. This article is intended to provoke a bit, and might cause some unease. If you are up to the challenge of feeling uncomfortable to understand more, keep reading!
Human communication styles range from passive to aggressive. A passive communicator accommodates other people, gives in to others, and takes care of everyone else, which means they put themselves last. An aggressive communicator is a quick thinker and readily shares their thoughts and opinions easily, which means that (without intending) they often intimidate other people. In the United States, 70% of the population are primarily passive, and 30% are primarily aggressive. So, which are you? Sometimes, hearing the definitions, the response is, “I do a pretty good job of balancing.” When you balance passive with aggressive, what do you get? Yes, passive / aggressive! What does this mean? First off, welcome to the human race. More importantly, it means that regardless of our intentions in the communication process, we often both miss taking care of our own needs and do not give others the opportunity to respond. For example, have you ever visited a restaurant or store where you were not happy with the quality or the service? Rather than say something, you simply left. After you left, did you tell your friends? Did you call to complain, or write a letter? This is passive-aggressive: you did not respect yourself enough to get the problem fixed, nor did you respect the business enough to give them the opportunity to fix the problem.
So the title of this article is Assertive Communication, and assertiveness is the ideal. Assertive communication is a learned skill requiring study and practice. It is about speaking with words that respect both the other person and yourself at the same time. In the United States, only 5% of the population have fully developed this skill.
Perhaps you have attended a workshop that included information on assertive communication. Some of this information reinforces what you already know. Are you applying what you know? Five starting points for Assertive Communication include:
1. Use I statements.
An I statement is formulated by saying, “I feel (state the feeling) when (describe the behavior without the word you) because (give the impact of the behavior without the word you).
When giving direction, say “I need this completed by…” rather than, “You need to do this by…” Caution: using the word we when it really is not a joint effort is often perceived as patronizing.
2. Listen effectively.
Actively listen with eye contact and open body language. The ideal is to blend your body language with theirs so that it is similar. Caution: if you mirror the other person, it might annoy.
Rephrase what they say. Caution: if you restate what they say exactly, this is parroting, and does not demonstrate that you actually understood.
Reflect their emotions behind their words. Caution: the tone of your voice and your facial expressions must demonstrate the desire to understand so that this is not an attack.
3. Quit telling, start asking.
Have you ever noticed that the more telling you do, the less listening they do?
Instead of telling others what you want and how to do it, ask them questions so that they determine what to do and how to move forward. When they figure it out and decide, they own the next steps.
4. Focus on the solution, not the problem.
Discussing who said what, who did what, and whose fault it is prevents resolution.
Ask: Where are we now? Where do we need to go? What are the action steps to get there? How can this problem be prevented in the future?
5. Use effective language.
Certain words create problems. For example, when asked why, the defense mechanisms kick in. The word but (or however) negates and erases everything that came before. Words that indicate a lack of certainty lessen follow-through: try, might, maybe, could, should. Absolutes promote argument: always, never. When told, “you need to,” most people become defensive.
Other words promote motivation and cooperation: possibilities, create, how.
What are the benefits of enhancing your communication skills? Imagine creating better understanding at home, increasing your effectiveness in the work place, and proactively ensuring clear boundaries with friends.
When you implement new communication skills, consider the most important impact of all: how is the other person interpreting your message?
Oct
29
2010
Have you ever found yourself struggling to understand and be understood? Do you try different things to see what works? If you have more than one child, do you find yourself communicating differently with each? Have you found the secret? Does the secret change as soon as you do find it?
Take a moment to consider friends, colleagues, neighbors, and acquaintances. Each personality is unique with a different style of communication.
Each person is unique, and communication with each may need to be unique as well. For example, some enjoy simple, constant direction in a soft voice. Others prefer to negotiate a deal. Many prefer to figure out what they want to do on their own. Another group might like to know well in advance all of the rules and expectations. Whichever preference others may have, we find ourselves looking for the best ways to communicate.
Getting to know others preferences requires developing skill, and the process never ends. Adding to the challenge, we all change as we get older. Just when we establish a system of communicating and understanding, the game and the rules change. Is it any wonder we are always working on good communication?
As people move through life, they learn a new languages or ways of communicating. Not only have the rules on how to communicate changed; we find ourselves struggling with a new vocabulary, new body language, and new priorities. Somehow it seems as though people we meet are a whole new humanity – cultural differences, background, experience, and education vary widely.
What are others wanting to communicate? Some of the non-verbal communication we understand, some we think we understand but don’t, and much of it we have absolutely no clue as to what is meant.
Why do we invest so much time and energy in to communication? When we invest more time and energy to educate ourselves, understand the situation, and find out the options, we are ready to ask questions, understand, and empower others to create their own solutions and follow-through.
Oct
26
2010
A client had a dilemma. They loved their job and had been with the company for years. They loved their community and had kids in school. A new boss was hired. The client had no idea what caused the problem, they just knew they were not getting along with the new boss. 
Have you ever listened to someone talk about a problem, and have ideas for how to fix it? Do they want your ideas? Will they follow through? Of course most of us have ideas, and we have learned that rarely does the other person use our idea even if they say they like it.
Through the asking of questions, the client began considering the differences in work style, communication style, and planning between themselves and their boss. This led to the client seeking to understand why the differences were so extreme. The client was completely stuck, so providing perspective by giving examples of similar situations and information on personality styles sparked ideas. Through questions, the client explored possibilities for moving forward. The client developed a number of options and created a plan of action.
Because the client figured out their answer and their plan, they naturally followed through.
What a great conversation when the client shared the impact of focusing on how to approach their boss! Now the client has a process for communicating with their boss in a way that works, and the career is back on track.
Often the most brilliant conversationalist is the one who says the least; often the most empowering conversation is the one with lots of open questions.
Key insights:
- Rather than giving the solution, ask for ideas; give perspective only when the client is completely stuck. (This happens by providing multiple examples, and then having them brainstorm their own ideas.)
- Ask open questions so the client creates solutions – they will own their own answer and follow through.
- Empower the client to determine specific action steps and the timeline for accomplishing each task.
Oct
23
2010
Starting a business is both exciting and intimidating. Exciting because of the unlimited possibilities; intimidating because of the fear of failing. Consider for a moment that failure is success in that you have learned and become a smarter, more effective person because of the failure. Enjoy the excitement, plan well, consistently take the steps, and you will succeed.
Plan well – what does that mean? Many resources are readily available online, through various nonprofit and for profit organizations, and through the Small Business Administration. Rather than duplicate what they offer, let us focus completely on a mediation business. Mediation requires neither a physical office location nor a large investment to get started. It does require time, some money, and the ability to tap your own experiences.
Start by evaluating your motivation for wanting to mediate. What is it about the work that drives you? What do you want to accomplish? What special value do you provide? Answer these questions for yourself before going any further or even reading any further. Then look back at your answers and check yourself on one thing: are you focusing on yourself, your legacy, how others see you, your money, your power? Or are you focusing on empowering others? If the answers are a focus on you, perhaps you would achieve more of what you want through public speaking, publishing, politics, or broadcasting. If your answer focuses on others, move forward with mediation work.
Although mediation is an uncontrolled industry and certification is not required, the natural next step is to explore training options. There are multiple options, ranging in time from a few hours to 5 years or longer, ranging in cost from hundreds to thousands. It is important to identify which works for you based on your current level of experience and expertise, your timeline, and your budget. Training is about developing yourself professionally, learning technique, and establishing yourself as a credible mediator. For me personally, the choice that made the most sense is the Center for Mediator Certification because the training is focused, practical, effective, and a sound, affordable financial investment.
In preparation for training, begin considering types of mediation so that you identify three to six areas of concentration. During your training process, apply the information accordingly.
Following certification, ensure your abilities through practice in interpersonal communications. Perhaps consider a few ‘discount’ clients so that you can hone your skills as a mediator. As you build your confidence, expand your marketing and outreach with a website, flyers, presentations, advertising, and networking. In the long term your client base will build through referrals. Most importantly, hire a coach for yourself – coaching for your mediation business works and empowers your level of effectiveness.